To say that communication is important in every relationship is already a no-brainer. The process not only lets you express what your needs are, but ensures that you two are emotionally connected. As you may know, strong couples who talk a lot have their relationship built on trust and openness. Aside from your own musings, part of what you need to communicate are your sexual needs. By doing so, you will experience emotional, psychological, and mental benefits, and understand each other better.
Do you think having a conversation about sexual needs is just a bore? Let us change your mind. Keep reading!
Did you know that talking about your sexual needs is a skill?
Let’s face it. Not all couples get to talk about their sexual needs because of the fear of offending their partner, not getting their point across, or simply believing it is not needed. Well, talking about sex is a skill in itself. This is why it often leads to uncomfortable conversations. But if you really want your relationship to be better, you need to make time for this!
After all, you will surely benefit from this because you can say what you want from your beau, what you like or dislike in your sexcapades, and even your fantasies. It will be awkward – sure. But is the short awkwardness worth the best sex of your life? It’s worth the try!
You can’t just bring up the topic about your sexual needs any time you want. Of course, you need to learn about the right timing. According to relationship experts, you shouldn’t talk about it when they walk in the door, when they are hungry or tired, before bedtime, or even before or after sex. How do you initiate the conversation then? You can give them a heads-up that you want to talk about something that’s a little out of the ordinary!
There are some couples who can be straightforward or frank with each other, hence, not needing any heads up or “timing.” But if you are not like that, then we suggest waiting for a good time to express your thoughts.
When you finally have the time to talk about it, be sure to respect your partner’s feelings. You can try using I-statements because it focuses on your experiences. How do you do it? Here are some examples:
- I noticed that we don’t really make out or spend time on foreplay before we have sex. This turns me on! Can we do it before we get to the good part?
- I just love it when I am on top of you. Maybe for next time, we can do more of that? I’ll give you a good time!
Notice how the statements lack any trace of blaming, shaming or complaining. This will help your partner understand what you like best, and compromise when necessary.
If you are having a hard time communicating your sexual needs, you can also count on entertainment…
As it turns out, erotic stimulation from entertainment provides the necessary boost for you to express what you really want. You won’t be thinking too much about the best transition, because what you want to talk about is already being played.
For example, you may be watching a sexy show that features a couple doing some kinky moves in the bedroom. If you like to try that as well, you can simply ask “That looks fun… maybe we could try it.” Check your partner’s reaction or if he has some comments about it. Then once he responds, you can jump into the conversation!
The tip is to be aware of your partner’s feelings. Don’t be too focused on your own wants. If you suggested something, you can follow up with a question asking if they think it is a good idea. Remember, these conversations about sexual needs should be a two-way street. In addition, you better leave room for openness and curiosity, not judgment.
Understanding the sexual differences
Once you’ve communicated your wants, dislikes, and new things to try, you’d be one step closer to a better relationship. If you want to make it even better, then you can jump to another topic which is all about sexual differences.
The thing is, many couples can’t keep their hands off each other during the honeymoon phase. After some time, the frequency of your sexual activities will die down. There are even cases wherein one partner wants sex more often than the other, and the other can’t really give in to the request. This will endanger a relationship so you need to talk about your sexual differences so you know what to expect.
Sex experts and therapists offer their suggestions as to how you can work out your differences
Set a sex schedule. Hear us out. As funny as it sounds, having a sex schedule can benefit the two of you! You can set whether you want your lovemaking to happen twice a week or thrice a week. This will give your partner something to look forward to, and you won’t really have the pressure of pleasing them every single day.
If you have a partner who really needs it to happen more often, then you need to work out the details and end up with a schedule that both of you agree on. You can always negotiate a compromise frequency when you don’t find a schedule that works for both of you.
The challenge really is about finding a frequency you both can live with.
Be flexible. You can take this tip figuratively and literally. What if you’ve already set a schedule and your partner is not in the mood? Should you throw a tantrum then? Well, the issue is actually less problematic than you fear. normally, the partner with the lower desire gets psyched for sex because the scheduling already reduced the tension and pressure over it.
Of course, you still need to compromise when needed.
See if what you need is sex or other forms of affection. Sometimes, we get so deprived of our partner’s time that we get confused about what we really want from them. Does it really concern your sexual needs? Or maybe, you just need a warm hug or a night of spooning?
Most partners who want proof of their partner’s love want sex. But there are other times wherein other forms of affection are as good as the ultimate intimate act. You can also try spending more time with them, or going out with them. A nice date sounds nice!
Stick to your sex schedule
Don’t be one to back out on your word. If you already have a sex schedule that you both agree on, then you should follow that. Of course, compromises are needed from time to time but do not postpone unreasonably. Otherwise, you’ll be at risk of losing their trust and their desire as well!
Don’t be afraid to cuddle up
Let’s say both of you are already aware of your upcoming intimate schedules. To build up the excitement for your d-day, you can always cuddle up or spoon the night before so your affection would grow more.
When you get tired of having sex, don’t get agitated
Again, the key topic here is communication. If you have issues about your sexual needs, then you may relay them to your partner. There’s no need to get worked up or to be violent.
Normally, the man has a higher libido so it creates friction when the woman can’t keep up. In other instances, a woman also wants sex more and may demand more schedules. Either way, this can increase the burden on one person and may lead to name-calling (nymphomaniac!) or ugly fights. To prevent that from happening, you can also retreat from other intimate activities that can be misinterpreted as a sexual green light. For example, you may quickly break away from a hot kiss, or just initiate hugging when your partner tries to grope your private area.
It’s really about getting your thoughts and feelings across. Sex experts say that the person with higher libido will feel really upset by every “no.” On the other hand, the person with lower libido would get emotionally battered from constantly fending off advances.
If everything fails, consult a sex therapist
Yes, there is actually therapy for couples who encounter troubles in their sex life. You can try this if you cannot work out your differences or if the problem has already affected you too much to the point where you are already drifting apart from each other. Try finding a sex therapist near you, or to be safe from the coronavirus, you can book an online consultation.
We hope this article can help you in your relationship blues!
For more dating insights, check out: All About Female Orgasm – What It Is, How to Get It, and What It Feels Like and 5 Useful Tips for When You’re in the Mood for Car Sex.