One Night Stands: How to Play the Game Right
Maybe you’ve had several one-night stands and they’ve all been flops. Or maybe you’re just curious about what having sex with a stranger really feels like. Whatever the reason may be, you’ve come to the right place.
One-night stands aren’t for everyone, obviously, but for some people, the experience can provide a way to experience both physical pleasure and sexual expression without additional obligations that a relationship outside of the bedroom might call for.
There are plenty of dating sites to get you started, such as OkCupid, Dating Kinky, and FetLife, which is a social network specifically for people in the BDSM community looking to hook up.
It’s also important to keep in mind that a good one-night stand might mean something different depending on who you’re with. A recent poll found that 33 percent of participants consider pillow talk to be the best part of a one-night stand. Another 30 percent like the idea of staying for breakfast the morning after, according to the poll.
All of that being said, there are still things you can do to make sure you have a great time with whoever you’re with for the night. Here are some tips for having the best one-night stand:
Find A Partner You Actually Like
Even though you may never see the person you hook up with again, you still want to make sure you’re with someone who’s actually going to respect you and appreciate what you have to offer to the table (um, I mean bed). Find someone who’s easy to talk to, subjectively attractive — and by that, I mean someone you are personally attracted to regardless of what’s considered socially acceptable attractiveness — and just pleasant to be around overall. Experts suggests chatting them up first, whether it’s online or in person.
If you’re looking to get down and dirty with someone you already know (perhaps a friend or co-worker), you should first talk about how a one-night stand might affect your friendship. It takes two very self-aware individuals to be able to navigate intimacy between friends without crushed expectations and misunderstandings.
The aspects of freedom, play, and escapism that make a one-night stand so attractive don’t really exist when it’s sex with a friend. Open, honest, dialogue — with each other and with yourself — goes a long way in creating the clarity necessary for a positive experience.
Pamper Yourself Beforehand
Take a “sexual spa day” before the hookup takes place, if possible. Prepare yourself physically. Relax. This is less about impressing your partner and more about making yourself feel comfortable and confident.
The thing about casual sex is that it can happen anytime, anywhere. Consent and making sure you’re both completely on board is important for this reason, as is carrying and using protection. The last thing you want is to have hot sex and then worry if you’ll catch something after.
Ideally you should have a conversation with the person about keeping each other safe. Interrupting the magic early on means that you avoid doing so at an even more awkward moment. It also increases the chances that the conversation will actually happen. Don’t put yourself in a position to worry about pregnancy and infectious diseases the next morning.
It doesn’t take more than a couple of seconds to throw a few condoms in your bag, so do it.
Do It For The Right Reasons
There are just as many reasons to have a one-night stand as there are to not have one. But just because everyone else is getting busy doesn’t mean you have to. The key is to figure out whether hooking up is the right move for you to take at that moment.
If you want to have a one-night stand, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. That this is something you 100 percent want to do, and you aren’t being pressured or under the impression that this will make someone like you more.
Ask For What You Like
Speak up in bed. Ask for what you want. What kind of touch? What kind of pressure, speed, intensity? Where do you want them to pleasure you? When you convey the answers to these questions to your partner, you’ll remain engaged and feel satisfied at the end.
It’s easier said than done, but if you’ve got a good partner, he or she will want to know how to please you. There is something awkward about saying what you want if you’re not used to it. However, it gets easier, and can actually be a huge part of the sexiness when you are comfortable with it.
Give Yourself Permission
Whatever you do, try not to judge yourself during a hookup or think about what your parents, your friends, or other people who are irrelevant to the situation, would say if they knew. Get clear with yourself that you are okay with a one-night stand and leave what others might think out of it. And similarly, just as you give yourself permission, be sure to not to pass judgment on your partner, either.
Actually Have Fun
Let yourself laugh. Slip-ups or mistakes can happen and laughter is an easy way to break the tension, especially since this is a new partner and you don’t know their body well.
Don’t take each other too seriously. Having sex is all about having fun, not freaking out because you queefed.
Don’t Expect More
If you’re looking for a relationship, having a one-night stand is probably not the best way to do that. Only 28 percent of people have dated someone with whom they had a one-night stand, according to a poll.
A lot of times (though not always), a one-night stand experience gets ruined by unrealistic expectations that the fling is going to continue. If you go into it expecting just a one-night stand, one and done, it’ll feel much more liberating.
Remind yourself to be present in the moment. Recognize this for what it is and resist the temptation to attach meaning to it that doesn’t exist. We rob ourselves of meaningful connection when we assign false meaning to an experience. Of course, if you get a mutual friendship (or even a relationship) out of the one-night stand, all the better. Just don’t expect it.
A one-night stand can be a chance for you to get wild and let your inner sex god(dess) loose. Be more daring than you otherwise would be. Roleplay, get it on with new sex positions, or even adopt a personality that’s completely different from your own. Try new things.
If you’re feeling self-conscious, that’s OK. Vulnerability is an undeniable part of the experience. If we deny this reality, we miss the opportunity for meaningful connection. Embracing our vulnerability (and that of our partner) allows for the purest and most honest experience.
Above all, hookups should be enjoyable and enrich your sex life. And if anything, remember a one-night stand is exactly that: Just one night.
Most Importantly… Avoid These Mistakes!
Ladies, always have an extra pair of underwear
Fuck having a sweater or a hat, you should always have an extra pair of underwear on your person.
This is one of the many lessons I learned in my 20s that has come in handy countless times. No matter the night, the time of year, or what you have planned; always have a change of underpants with you. Stick them in your backpack, purse, or a very deep pocket, I don’t care.
You never really know where the night is going to take you and the last thing you need is a vagina you can literally smell. This isn’t just because of sex, either. Sometimes you just need to put on a fresh pair of panties.
Don’t expect the other person to have condoms
I feel like a lot of women don’t want to carry condoms because it makes them look “slutty” and a lot of guys don’t carry condoms because they don’t want to wear them. Being slutty is a good thing so get your head out of your ass and not wearing a condom is fucking dumb.
It’s good to have sex, as long as you’re safe about it.
It’s a lot better to have backup resources than it is to find out midway through foreplay that no one has a condom and you’re fucked (not in a good way). Always have condoms in your purse or pocket.
Don’t sneak out in the morning, it’s tacky
PLEASE don’t run away at 6am after screwing a stranger. You shouldn’t be ashamed of the sex you just had. It’s good you had sex. Yay you!
Now, if it’s 11am and this dude or lady is still passed out and you’re bored, sure you can leave. You are not obligated to wait until sleeping beauty has woken up if you have stuff to do today. That’s not sneaking out — that’s just remembering you have a pile of laundry to do and groceries to buy. Peace out!
Actually, if you can keep the one-night stands at your apartment, that’s ideal
If you’ve got the choice, bring the guy or girl back to your place instead of opting for his or her shitty apartment in Bumblefucknowhere, Queens. All of your stuff is at home. There is no stride of pride. You can sleep in your own bed.
NOTE: if you’re averse to strangers sleeping over or have problems telling someone to get out of your place, go to his or her apartment.
Breakfast is nice, but it shouldn’t be expected
Don’t stick around in the morning with the expectation that this guy or girl is going to make/buy you breakfast. It would definitely be polite if they offered breakfast, but they are not obligated to feed you.
Don’t ask for it. It’s rude and makes things weird. Err on the side of caution. If he or she suggests breakfast, cool. If not, just go home and make yourself some eggs.
Feel out your goodbye
Hopefully, this guy or girl will walk you to the door (if he or she doesn’t, a wave goodbye from the bed will do). Make your goodbye friendly and chill. Definitely don’t try to come in for a kiss. Just give them a quick hug, leave, and go on about your day.
If he or she wants to kiss you and you’re not down, just pretend to suddenly see a button on your shirt that might be falling off. Pretend that button is REALLY interesting.
Avoid double texting (or triple texting!)
It’s perfectly acceptable to text your ONS and say you had a nice time last night. That is polite. Some people might say don’t text this person at all, but it’s always better to be friendly (assuming things went well). If you want to go out again, you can suggest that.
DO NOT double or triple text your ONS if they don’t reply. No reply = no interest. Is that rude? Yes. But it does not give you the right to go completely insane on this person, unleashing the wrath of scorned lovers everywhere. It does not make you look cool, strong, or smart. It makes you look fucking crazy.
Finally… Remind yourself that this was only a One Night Stand
Don’t make this something it’s not. Don’t linger at his or her apartment and do not expect that this person is going to spend the rest of the day with you. This is very likely not going to become a relationship.
This random guy or girl you met last night is not the person of your dreams. That’s really OK.
You don’t have to feel pressured to make this mean something to make yourself feel better about fucking someone. That’s not healthy. Just go home, have a cup of tea, and binge-watch your favorite show. Until your next sexcapade!